Merry "White" Christmas!!! Wow 2010 finally gave us a beautiful snow covered day to celebrate Christmas. I have wanted a white Christmas forever. It is absolutely beautiful. I have so much to be thankful for this year. God spared my mom and she is sitting here with us. My kids are healthy and happy, and we found out that we will have a little punkin next August. The kids had a wonderful Christmas!! They opened tons of new stuff. Jaylee got her DSI and has not put it down. Everyone is happy. It is just a wonderful time of the year...although the months leading up to that day is stressful. I was so worried about everything with mom being sick. I didn't think the kids would have anything...but like always God makes a way. Gettin ready to go to Kyle's grandparents and "try" to enjoy some good home cooking and lots of dessert!! The reason I say try is because I am having the worst nausea of my life with this pregnancy. Well, Merry Christmas!!

Meet our Lil Punkin

We had our first ultrasound today and our first official baby doctor visit. I was so nervous but things went well. We got to see our lil punkin for the first time. It was such a relief to see the little heartbeat. I have been so stressed out taking care of mom and I was so worried things were gonna fall apart. Hopefully I will continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve so I'm gonna run and get the rest of the presents wrapped. I hope everyone has a great night!

It Won't Go Away

I have become best friends with my toilet bowl here lately!! I love to hug it several times a day. NOT REALLY...but the nausea and vomiting is really getting the best of me. Just why do they call it "morning" sickness when it hits at all times through out the day??? I have already started the old craving thing and my belly is already protruding out of my pants. I feel like I'm at least 5 or 6 months along. I wish I was. I hope this moves along quite quickly. I have my first appointment with Dr. Gass tomorrow and also an ultra sound. I am so excited to see my lil punkin. I'll post a pic as soon as I can. I just hope all is well and the baby is healthy. I've read so many articles online about pregnancy and birth. It's been 9yrs since I experience it and I worry about everything. My age is my main concern. I feel like I am too old to be attempting this but it's what we wanted and we got it. I guess I will put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Goodnight everyone. Peace, Love, and Daisies my friends.

Let It Snow

Its absolutely beautiful outside today. It's snowing although it isn't really sticking. I wish it would snow a foot. It's been a near perfect day...notice the "near". I love lazy days so much. However I am starving!!! This baby is taking everything I have. All I wanna do is sleep, eat, and pee. Forgot how it was to be with child. I'm watching my Steelers play today and they are winning!! Yay! I'm gonna make sure my punkin is a Pittsburgh fan. I've tried to talk Kyle into moving to Pittsburgh but no luck so far. That's okay though...as long as Kyle and my kids are by my side I will be fine. Well, just wanted to post a little bit today. Guess I will get back to my football.

rainy days

Don't you love these rainy days? I love rain when I can just stay home and lay on the couch being lazy. It's almost a complete feeling of peace right now. I'm in my p.j's on the couch watching tv. The rain is falling at a steady pace and it's just cold enough that my heated blanket feels perfect. The Christmas tree lights are sparkling and the smell of sweet vanilla feels the room. It is so quiet...Kyle is gone to pick up Kenna, the kids are in their rooms playing, mom is napping, and I am but for five minutes...in HEAVEN. Why can't there be more time like this??? Well, my tummy is growing quite quickly!! Lisa (at the dr.) told me since this is my fourth pregnancy that I will show quicker. I am!!! I can literally feel my tummy stretching. I couldn't sleep at all last night because my back was hurting so badly. I have heartburn non stop. I just wonder how the next 8months is gonna be. I am literally a nervous wreck thinking about labor!!! Kyle told his mom today about the baby...I was so worried how she would take it but he said she wasn't mad at all. Shew....relief. Now...to decide if and when to tell my mother. She has never understood me or how I live. She is very judgemental of me. I am 37 and still afraid of what she thinks. Kinda sad I know. Maybe closer to time I will tell her. Oh me..well I guess it is time for a nap. Perfect timing.

Ready for the Journey

Well last night was horrible!! I had nausea all evening and was so sleepy I couldn't hold my eyes open. I felt terrible. I sure hope the whole nine months aren't gonna be like this. I have an appointment tomorrow at the Health Dept. to get my due date. I'm thinking around August...which sounds SO FAR AWAY!! Kyle is being wonderful. He is so happy. He is treating me like a baby. Couldn't ask for a better man. I just hope we can manage to find him a good job and make ends meet. The money thing is my main concern. I don't doubt his daddy skills at all. On another note...my mom is much better. I would say at least 75% and she is back to being as hateful as she can be. The last three days I have wanted to pull my hair out. I hate to say it but I will be so glad to find her an apartment and get my life back to some normalcy. Only a few weeks til Christmas....I haven't bought anything. I really haven't had the money too. I need to get me another job and get back to the real world. Well, hope you all have a great day!! Peace, Love, and Daisies!!!

New Baby :0)

Well, I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive! Guess Kyle and I are gonna be parents....again. I'm so nervous about it because of my age and the fact that we will be the "brady bunch". Scares the crap outta me. Kyle has been so happy and is already planning on building on to the house or moving. I suppose the blog from now on will cover my pregnancy and birth. I'm guessing the baby will be due in August. I hope I can do this, lol....guess it's too late to think I can't.

Depression

Well friends it has been awhile!! I have been hibernating....with depression. I have had a very difficult fight over the past few weeks. I have always fought this disease but however it worsens with stress or in the winter. I have also been fighting withdrawal symptoms from stopping my Darvocets. I have been taking them for over 7 yrs now for endometriosis. My OB-gyn ordered them for me due to the severe pain. They were recently pulled from the market due to injury and death. I was hospitalized last year due to irregular heartbeat...and still being treated with meds for it. Now I learn that Darvocets cause irregular heartbeat and could well be the cause of mine. So, I'm consulting the attorney's who are covering the lawsuits. On another note...my mom is once again back in the hospital. She had a terrible infection that had set up in the bed sore on her back (thanks to select specialty hospital). She also had a UTI and dehydration. It seems I can't win for losing. I'm dealing with my 19yr. old bi polar child who is absolutely about to drive me crazy. She has moved her useless boyfriend in....and he won't work to save his life. I'm so far behind on all my bills that I feel myself sinking. I called my attorney and talked to him. Seems my only choice is to file bankruptcy...which means I lose everything that I worked so hard for. Yes, I am bitching today...sorry. I feel so lost. Kyle has held me together....not an easy chore. He has talked to me about having another baby....shew!! I don't know...I'm 37, struggling with depression, taking care of my 66yr old mom, fighting with a mentally ill child..gosh I just don't know. I guess we will see. It's raining here...has been for days and it is really starting to get to me. These days are so hard. I sit and think...and thinking is not good. I start to miss my dad and brother. The holidays are the worst. Thanksgiving really sucked! Dad and my brother gone..and my mom was in the hospital. First time in 37 yrs that I haven't spent with family at my aunts. Well, enough for today. I'm gonna try to write everyday..at least that way I can get my feelings out somehow. Peace, Love, and Daisies!!

I love you

I feel like life is starting over yet again. I hope this time it is the right one...I wasn't looking for him when he found me so that's a sign. He told me he loves me and I honestly feel it when he touches me or when I look in his eyes. He is such an awesome guy with a huge heart. He has moved in with me which is a big step that kinda just happened. Mom is coming home tomorrow from the hospital. I hope between all the kids and taking care of her that we still have time for each other. I do love him....I knew it the first week. The first night we spent together he held me and let me cry on his shoulder...in my pj's with no makeup! I was a total hot mess. I was having a melt down and he still told me how beautiful I was and how everything would be okay. He's awesome....and he's mine. Maybe just maybe my life is gonna start looking up for once. Well, goodnight dear friends....I need my beauty sleep!!!

Halloween

So Halloween 2010....a blast. I had an awesome time with my kids. Well, I guess I should say Jaylee and Kenna. Sarah and Jacob are way past the trick or treating age. I loved just getting out and walking with the kiddos and seeing the smiles on their faces. Having Kyle by my side has made things much better. Kenna is his four year old and she has stolen a big piece of my heart. She loves being here with us. Her and Jay have such a great time together. I hope Kyle is the one and I hope our lives continue to prosper. He is my rainbow after the storm!!

Happy Birthday Jay Bug

Today is my Jaylee bugs 9th birthday. She has grown up on me so very fast. She amazes me at how very smart she is.....and beautiful. She has been around my cousin so much in the past few months that she acts so much like Joy Lynn it is almost funny. She is such a drama princess. She has taught me so much about love and life. Without Jaylee I just wouldn't be the same. Jay's dad came in from Afghan to spend her birthday with her but out of the two weeks he managed to spend about 12 hours with her...wow. Yep somethings never change. He didn't even show up for her party and come to find out it was because he was ignorant and got out drunk and received a DUI. Nice way to spend your daughter's birthday huh? Well, she had a blast anyway. She had several kids over and ended up having a slumber party. My bestest Chas bought her cake....totally awesome. The only bad thing is that my mom fell in the kitchen floor and hit her head pretty hard. I feel like I am raising another child. I miss my "mom" so much. Just wish her mind would clear up. Well, that's enough for tonight. Guess I will settle in....Oh, by the way I met a wonderful guy last week. His name is Kyle and he is awesome....let's see where it goes.

Tragedy Is Just A Part Of Life

So, once again I haven't been on here like I would like to be. This is the only way I have of venting my frustrations and feelings. I am having a hard time dealing with mom. It seems like her confusion is getting worse...not better like they claimed it would. I can't get her colostomy to keep from leaking thanks to a shotty surgeon. I am planning on finding a surgeon tomorrow to see if it can be fixed. Mom decided she could walk two days ago and fell out of the bed. Made me feel like a worthless daughter. She gets so angry with me and vents on me. I am doing all I can. I get up at the crack of dawn and give her a bath, give her meds, and change all of the dressings. I get her up and take her in the living room and fix her breakfast and coffee. I have to take her to the bathroom which is a hour long chore in itself. I change that bag at least 3-4 times a day which means she gets several baths. She has decided she doesn't wanna go to bed at night so I'm not sleeping ever. I have realized how much worse my depression has gotten but I can't do anything about it. Since I lost my job I have no insurance and I can't get to the doctor. I can't leave the house because she can't be alone. Just seems my life has done a 360. I know it has to get better...it just does. It wouldn't be as hard if I had support...my support group now is Aunt Joyce, Joy, Jean (part time) and my girlfriends. I just want everyone to know depression is so real and it will eat away at you if you let me. Fight it and overcome it.

Kyle

This is Kyle....he is such a sweetie. I met him through my cousin Joy....so I have her to thanks for the happiness I have found that I never thought I would have again. I should have posted about him sooner but I wanted to wait a bit to see how things would be. I didn't want to jinx a good thing. Kyle makes me smile, laugh, feel alive and love life.........he gives me hope. I am hoping God put him in my life for a reason. I guess time will tell but I have a strong feeling he is my soul mate.

Chase

I would like for you to meet Chase Storm Sanders.....he is my new 3month old Boston Terrier. He is totally awesome. I am an animal lover and always have been but Chase has stolen my heart. He came into my life right when I needed him. People take for granted the unconditional love an animal can bring into your life. He follows my every step and he cuddles with me at bedtime. I took him today to get his shots and he did great until we got half way home!!! I looked at him and his eyes were swollen together and he was vomiting all over my car. I had to rush him back and he was having a reaction to the vaccine. They had to give him two shots of benadryl. Scared the life out of me. He is completely back to normal now and all cuddled up next to his mommy!!! Love you Chase.

Home? Wow

Hello guys...sorry I haven't written in days. I have been so busy with everything that I barely have time to sit down. I got to bring mom home last Friday which took a lot of begging and pleading. The doctor finally agreed since I'm a nurse and can do everything here that she needs. Whew....it has been a handful. I now have four kids instead of three!! I have to get up and get the kids ready for school and then it's on to mom. I get her bath, change her dressings, give her meds, and then get her up. I have to clean the house and do the laundry in between and then get something cooked for everyone to eat. This is a full time job. I think the only love I get is from cocoa my little cat. She loves me to the point of driving me crazy. She sleeps on my hip or stomach and if I get a chance to sit down she is up in my face....hence the allergies that are ravaging my body right now. I took four benadryl last night just to breathe. I have a ton of things to get done but me being a woman I am finding it difficult to get done. I have a porch swing that has just taken up residence on my front porch....but not hanging just sitting there. I need my doorknobs changed out and my carpets shampooed. So much to do so little time to learn how to do them, lol. On a good note me and my cousin Joy are planning a little get me outta the house celebration tomorrow evening. We are planning on going to eat and then we are getting a tattoo. Mine is in thanks to God for keeping my mom safe in his arms throughout this tragedy. I'm gonna have the word believe written across my wrist. Okay now that I have wasted 10minutes of my life writing this (all because Jesse needs something to read) I will get up and continue my daily chores. Peace, Love, and Happiness to all!!

Ready To Run

I haven't blogged in days...I really haven't had the time or been the least bit inspired to do so. My days are all running together now. My mom is completely off of the vent which is a blessing. However, she is talking now and I am seeing that there is damage to her brain which is causing memory loss and confusion. It is so sad to have to tell her 3 and 4 times a day that daddy is gone. I have to remind her she hasn't worked in years and that her mom passed away years ago. She is so pitiful. I am so exhausted and I don't have too many people I can depend on. I have learned so much about people during this tragedy. I have learned that you have to fully rely on yourself and not to depend on anyone else. I have lost my job, not seen my kids in two months, fallen behind on all of my bills, and most of all I have "lost" who my mom was. I miss her. I can't get her to eat so they have replaced her feeding tube. I see her just withering away daily. I tell myself everyday that God didn't bring us this far to just abandon us. I don't know....maybe my faith is being tried. I just feel so alone. No one to talk to and share my feelings. Not saying I haven't had any help because I have. If it wasn't for my cousin Joy...then Jaylee would be lost. She is taking such good care of her. My aunt Joyce has pulled for me every step of the way....and I have had people that you would least expect to send me money to help out. It's those that I thought would stand by me that hasn't that has broken my heart. Well that's what life is about...it's all a learning experience. I have made myself a promise through this...I will be a better person and I will try to help others when they are in need. I will make it through this by the grace of God and the help that those who truly love us are willing to give.

Happy Birthday Becca

Today is my 37th birthday. Wow, how time starts to fly the older you get. In the words of Andy Rooney.....Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get, the quicker it goes!!!!" So very true. I have decided to try to enjoy the last half of my life than I have the first half. I'm not saying it has been horrible but I've had a lot of hurt and lost a lot of people in my life. Seems every time things started looking up I would experience a loss or a tragedy. It's all in your outlook and perspective. It's not just sitting around and giving up but saying "What can I make good out of this situation?" Since my mom's wreck I have really learned to appreciate the small things in life. I notice things I didn't before. I just enjoy walking outside and smelling the fresh air or noticing a flower that has managed to grow up through a crack in the concrete. God has given us so many beautiful things and so often we walk right by them and never even notice that they are there. As I sit here watching physical therapy helping my mom to learn to stand up on her on again I am reminded of how precious each second of life is. She is 66 and having to learn everything all over. Today I was given the greatest give ever.....I was given another day with my precious mother.

My Mom

This is my mom and Jaylee taken on Saturday. God has been so good to us and I am thankful he left her here with us. Today mom spoke for the first time in almost two months. They got her a speaking valve and put it on today. She was so excited and talked all day long. It was so awesome to get to sit and talk to her. Her memory is still a bit confused but they say that will go with time. I was so afraid I wouldn't ever get to sit down and talk to her again. Now, I'm just hoping we get to go home soon.

Had A Blast

This has been the best weekend I have had since July 10th...the day of mom's horrible car accident. I got to spend the entire weekend with my baby girl. We had a blast. We went to wal mart and picked her out a new toy because she has been so brave through all of this. Yesterday we spent some time with mom, went shopping at TJ Max, went to eat, and then went to see Toy Story 3. Just having her with me seemed to make me whole again. I miss being at home and being a mom. I know it's gonna be a long hard road ahead of us trying to get mom back on her feet. I just gotta keep my head up and be strong. I have to keep a positive attitude although at sometimes I feel like I'm gonna explode. Well, guess it's time to get back to reality. I got to get back to the hospital and take care of mom.

Smile Girl...It's gettin Better!

So today I got a very big surprise...guess an early birthday present. The nursing supervisor came in to discuss some issues I have been having with mom's care. You know there are always gonna be a few people working in a job that they really don't need to be doing. Anyway, she told me I deserved a break and that they were gonna get mom a private sitter for the weekend so I could get some sleep and spend time with my kids. I think I cried for an hour, lol. So, I made my way back to good old Ky and picked up my Jaylee bug. We went home and spent some time with Sarah and Jacob....and I threatened home arrest unless they get my house cleaned up before we get home. I took Jay to walmart and let her pick out a toy because she has been such a brave girl for the past month. Now we are at the motel being cuddle bugs and just loving being together. Tomorrow we are gonna catch a movie and visit with mom for a little while. Today has been the break that I have been waiting for. My heart was aching to see my kids. I have missed them so much. Just when I think I'm ready to jump off the cliff God whispers I love you and he blesses me. Don't judge the pics, lol.....that is me on 7wks of no sleep!!! I can't wait to get home and sleep a full 8 hours. Well, I'm gettin off of here to snuggle with my baby girl. Peace and Love to everyone!!

This Too Shall Pass

This too Shall Pass (Latin: Hoc Etiam Transibit)
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

By Helen Steiner Rice

Falling To My Knees

I feel like I'm falling apart...at the end of my rope. I'm hanging by a thread and ready to just let go. I have tried so hard to stay strong through this. I have smiled when all I wanted to do was cry. When I did cry I locked myself in the bathroom so no one would see. All I hear is "you gotta be strong". Well, for once in my life I am tired of being strong. I don't want to HAVE to be strong my entire life. Why can't it just be simple. Why is it that when it rains it pours?? I have been here a month and a half. I am tired and no one seems to really give a flip. I have sat here night and day and I'm totally exhausted. I feel like I have lost what sanity I had left. I completely exploded on the staff here yesterday. Honestly I had every right. I mean they are getting paid to take care of my mom but who is having to do it all???? Well the answer would be me. Now she is to the point that she won't eat anything and they can't keep her off of the vent. It's like she is giving up and therefore I am getting ticked off and more upset because I have given up my life to help her and now she won't help herself. What am I supposed to do? Just keep smiling and pretending I am super girl? I"M NOT! And, as if I don't have enough to deal with here I have people giving me crap back home. I am so frustrated and ready to run away. I am sorry I sound so crappy today but hey....we can't control our emotions sometimes. I just need a little prayer and help!

My wonderful son

I just had to post this~I love this pic. It's my wonderful son Christopher and his beautiful girlfriend Amanda. This was for prom back in June. They are one of the sweetest couples I have ever seen. I haven't talked a lot about my kids since all of this has been going on with mom. Seems I can't clear my mind of anything long enough to focus. So for a minute I just wanna let the world know what a great son I have. I watched him grow from a sweet, cute, and innocent baby into this intelligent, charming, caring young man. He has been through a lot in his life especially with his so called father. He has made the best of every obstacle thrown in his path. I must say raising him taught me more about life than I could ever teach him. He has such a huge heart and would help out anyone in need. He is always there by my side to keep me standing tall. I am so proud of who he is becoming. I hope someday he knows just how much he changed my life!
Photo by Heather Qualls

A Well Deserved Break

I haven't written in a few days and I can tell! All the frustration I have had over the last few days has eaten away at me. This is my way of venting and expressing my feelings. Well, I have learned that honestly I think I am at the point of losing any sanity that I had. I am so tired of people causing me drama and stress when I am already at the end of my rope....seems they want me to go ahead and hang myself. I have always struggled with the "hatred" that I have for my son's father and his no good wife. Honestly if he had chose to be a decent dad I wouldn't have had a problem with him. He has three other kids now and for some reason his first born he has no use for. He won't help me with Jacob and now I've learned they canceled Jake's insurance. Now my son can't even go to the doctor or get his meds. The excuse dear Rachel gave my son was that he wasn't her biological child. Well all I have to say is someday all that they have put my son through will bite them in their butts. I feel so alone sometimes especially sitting down here at night by myself. I know people have their lives to live and can't stop to come sit with me. I just have so much on my mind....my Jaylee is sick and has been for a week, my bills are piling up, I'm losing everything, I can't even be a mom to my kids right now....It's okay though...I know it will get better. I tell myself that every time I start to get down. I have to have a daily cry to release everything. Now, the good side of it all. After a month of sitting here in the hospital I finally had a few hours out. A very good friend drove down from Bowling Green. He took me to eat and then we just walked (in the rain) and talked about life. We stood and looked out over the Cumberland River and I just enjoyed the small things. The trees, the flowers, the clouds...they were so much more beautiful. God has given me a very clear look at how beautiful life can be....even in the smallest things. So smile and keep your head up no matter what.

Falling Apart

I am sitting here looking out over Nashville wishing I was sitting on my front porch looking at the beauty of nature. I don't even know how to explain the feelings I'm having inside anymore. We have been down here over a month now and I'm am truly starting to fall apart. We had two wonderful days with no fever. Mom felt really good and seemed in good spirits. The past two days have been horrible. She has started running a fever again, has a rash, complaining of lots of pain, and not sleeping any at night. I had to remind her that daddy passed away last year and she has cried over and over. She kept saying how can he be gone....he has been here with me every night. I'm thinking....is she really seeing him or is it a figment of her imagination? Maybe he is here watching over us. I just close my eyes and I imagine myself sitting on the front porch with him. Just me and him sitting there talking. My heart is breaking. I miss him so much and I wish he could be here to help me through this. I feel so alone....so empty. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I miss my kids so much......I would give anything to be wrapped up in one of Jaylee bugs hugs right now. I keep telling myself something good will come out of this.....it just has to. I have made so many mistakes in my life but I know those mistakes have made me into the woman I am now. People may not like me and they may talk about me but you know I have came a long way. I know I have a good heart and I am a good mother. I am doing what I need to be doing and if that means losing my job, my home, my friends...whatever it is....I will still have the peace in my heart that when my mom needed me I was there for her. I also know the last words my dad said to me...."Take care of your mom" and I will do everything I have to do to honor his wish. I love you daddy and I miss you more than you will ever know..but right now I need you to ask God if he can send me a little strength and peace.

The Hardest Part

Sundays are the hardest for me! I get to spend Saturday and Sunday with Jaylee bug and on Sunday evening she has to go back home. My heart literally breaks in two. She makes me smile so much. I am not complete without her. It's been a great weekend. Mom has really done well. I think Jaylee makes her better. She hasn't ran a fever today and she was off of the vent for an hour. That is just wonderful. I know things are hard now but I know in the end it will all be worth it. Just to get back to Kentucky and have my family back together....that is what I'm waiting for. I just wanna thank God for showing me unconditional love. He has shown me that miracles still do happen and that there is always hope for a better tomorrow. I know although I may feel alone that I never am. He is here with me holding me in his arms.

Useless "Fathers"

Yesterday my son called me to inform me of the conversation he had with his "wicked" step mother. Okay, his father never claimed Jacob until he was 6yrs old and that was only because he was ordered to carry insurance on him and demanded a paternity test. HaHa in your face.....I knew I had never cheated on him....he just decided he wanted a 14 year old girlfriend (his now wife). When Jacob turned 12 he came home from his dads and told me he never wanted to go back. He cried for two days....I didn't push the issue. I told him he was old enough to make his own decisions. They never seemed to care and we didn't hear from them too often. The only time was a few visits on Christmas....they even stopped. Jacob would call them every now and then and ask if he could get a little money for this or that. Most of the time all he heard was NO. Well yesterday he needed 15 dollars for a pass at school...15 lousy dollars. Now keep in mind my mom is in critical condition in another state and I'm trying to take care of her. Rachel...aka....wicked step mom tells my son she isn't giving him the money and that I need to get home and take care of him myself. Oh my!! I was so angry that I think fire shot out of my ears. Those two go to church on Sunday and play the perfect christians but throughout this whole time they have yet to even check and see if Jacob needed a place to stay or needed anything for school. Thanks to family and friends he got the clothes and supplies he needed for school. His worthless father has paid the same amount of child support since he was 6. He works for money "under the table" and child support is unable to prove how much he makes. I have had such a hatred for them since he left me for her.....but the hatred grew after he denied his own child. Okay, all I can say is I am praying that I find forgiveness for them and I can move past the hurt that they caused me and my son. I know the bible says you reap what you sow and I firmly believe that they will pay for the way they have treated Jacob....and you know what I really am blessed cause I have such a wonderful son in my life who loves his mom and has a huge heart.

Just When You Need It

Today has been a good day with mom....we really "bonded" today. She has been more alert and really wanting to talk. She realized her wedding band was missing and that upset her. She tried to remember if she was wearing it during the wreck but everything is so foggy she doesn't remember. I hung some pictures of the kids and my daddy on her wall to try and give her more "reason" or "determination" to fight. I was sitting in the chair watching her and every few minutes she would look over at daddy's picture. I asked her if she wanted me to take it down....and she said no....I just miss him. I really couldn't help but get a little down. Of course I'm a baby and I cry over everything...but I miss my daddy so much and I could see in her eyes how much she misses him. I sat here thinking once again why?? Why does sad things happen. Why am I sitting here alone with no one to talk to? Why do I feel so empty? Am I really gonna be able to get through all of this. I got online to get my mind off of it all and signed into face book. I had an email and it couldn't have came at a better time. I wanna share the email with you. It just goes to show that God does know all and he doesn't want us to feel alone. He sends us the help we need just in time!!

Hi, I'm Sarah Beth. I don't know how we became friends on facebook. I think that it may have been 4-H camp. However, I have been carefully following your story.

I just want you to know how brave you are in my eyes. I know that I couldn't be as strong as you. Although this may sound very hard to hear, God is doing this in your life for a reason. He is letting you be a good example to others. I feel that in the end, you will be rewarded for your diligence and hard work. Your faith is such an inspiration! I have been praying for you and your family throughout this whole time. I didn't want to say it because, I figured that you didn't know me. Just know that even people that you may not know care about what is happening to you. Keep letting Jesus shine!

Keep the faith,
Sarah Beth

You Gotta Believe

Today is a new day...a new beginning. The past few days were rough down here with mom. I was truly ready to toss in the towel. She just didn't seem to be going forward...only backward. I was depressed and troubled thinking why has God brought us this far just to drop us off. One of my friends texted me while I was crying my eyes out and he told me......."when I was little my daddy always said it's the darkest right before the sun comes up"! All I could do was cry harder..but it was a happy cry because in that moment I felt peace. I knew that God had not left us...we just have a few bumps in the road that we have to get over. My faith had been shaken but not broken. Today she is already up in her chair sipping on Coke, lol. We are going to attempt to take her off her vent today....that's a big step. I know if we fail today that we can try again tomorrow. We just have to believe in God and know that he has plans for us that we alone cannot carry out. We must hold on to him and trust him to guide us to the place we need to be. I have my happy days and my bad days....I've lost my job....and I can't see my kids very much right now but I believe God is gonna give us something totally awesome out of this terrible tragedy!

My bug

Yep, she is my lil mini me! She owns my heart!! God couldn't have ever given me a more precious gift.

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

Dear God

Okay, so these cream colored walls are closing in around me. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. I feel my chest pounding and I just can't hold back the tears. I cried so hard yesterday I could have filled the ocean. I can't stand to see my mom in this shape. I hate seeing her frail body being rolled this way and turned that way. The pain she is in from all the broken bones....her stomach cut from top to bottom. She gets so discouraged and that makes it worse. She forgets every time she goes to sleep what happened. It's like the movie 50 First Dates....we re live it everyday. Losing my dad last year was one of the worst things to ever happen to me but this is just as bad. I want her to get up out of that bed and go home. I need some support....maybe a hug or two. I need a shoulder to cry on. I just need to wake up and all this be over

Do I Quit?

Do you ever just get to the point of saying that's it...I quit? Well I am to that point. I have never felt as lonely in my entire life. I have been staying in the hospital with my mom for a month now and it is starting to take its toll on me. I have been strong and kept going but I miss my kids so much it hurts and the bills are piling up around me....just seems no one cares. I sit here in the dark alone watching my mom lay there helpless. I keep thinking...if my brother was here or if my dad was here it would be different. I would at least have a way of spending a little time with Jaylee. She started school and for the first time in 5 yrs. I didn't get to take her on the first day. I don't get to snuggle with her at night. I miss her laugh. I miss sitting on the couch and watching disney channel all night. I am so depressed....so tired. I cry all of the time...but only when people can't see me. I love my mom and I want her better...just wanna get her home and be with my kids. At this point life is just not very good.

hope

Hope is a higher heart frequency, and as you begin to re-connect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. Listening to the still small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.

reality

When the heart is enlivened again, it feels like the sun coming out after a week of rainy days. There is hope in the heart that chases the clouds away. Hope is a higher heart frequency and as you begin to reconnect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. It becomes a matter of how soon you want the sun to shine. Listening to the still, small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.

A Rotten Day Indeed

I am wishing that was me in the picture!!!! I have had one rotten day. It seems I have a good one and then a few bad ones. Mom has been so agitated all day and got mad at me a few times cause I couldn't get her up. She is in such pain and so miserable and it kills me to have to watch her suffer. She had a very nasty tech the last two nights....very rude!! So tonight after she decided to call me a liar about when they had gotten my mom up I decided to call the head honcho on her. I told her not to come back into my mom's room....ever! Used to I wouldn't say a word to no one and let everybody run over me....not anymore. I am so sick of people who take advantage of others and on that note let me get started on something else. My daughter picks the worst, trashiest, loser people in the world to be friends with. I have about had it with this girl and I'm about ready to take her down a notch. She has used my daughter for her check and talked Sarah into stealing money from me and my mom. She lost her son a few months ago because her house was so nasty and the way she was "living" it up. She won't get off her fat butt and work and draws off of the government. She has put such a strain on me and my daughter's relationship. I have cried all day......just seems like the world is on my shoulders. I just want to wake up sometimes and be 10 again. Where the worst thing to happen was a skinned knee. Anyway....off to spend some time with Jaylee.

The Road to Recovery

Okay...day one in Select Specialty Hospital. Last night was terrible! Poor mom didn't sleep two hours all night. She was so anxious which in turn made me anxious. Today, however, has been better. Although she is in a lot of pain we have gotten a lot done today. She has met with her social worker, doctor, nurse practitioner, PT, OT, and had a echo on her heart. They have kept her busy. She makes my heart smile. Just seeing her work so hard to raise her arm up or move her legs....things that to us would be so simple for her are a hard days work. She is still on the vent and will be for weeks. Wish we could get off of that. I had such a hard night....I cried most of it. I would stand and rub her head while I was wiping snot and tears with my other hand. I don't know...I just felt so lonely and so afraid. My mom is everything to me and I want the best for her. It hurts me to see her hurt but she has truly became my hero. She is awesome......and so is God. He has given her the will and strength to keep fighting. Well, they are fixing to get her up in a chair. Another big step.

Well after 19 days in Vandy trauma unit we are moving to Select Specialty Hospital. It's a long term hospital for patients on vents. Mom has totally amazed everyone in this hospital..she has earned the name "super woman"!! I know that it was God working through these wonderful doctors and nurses to preserve her life. She has proved those that told us she wouldn't live wrong. She had the will to fight through 10 surgeries, internal bleeding, lacerated spleen and colon, 22 broken ribs, 3 spine fractures, pelvis fracture, femur fracture, left tibia fracture, broken scapula, and a brain bleed. Her heart stopped twice....and now I know some of what she seen while she was "dead". I will share that later. It is a blessing. I just want everyone out there to know that God still makes miracles happen and he still loves his children. He will not forsake us. He has carried me on my darkest days. No matter what happens in your life.....keep your faith!!!

In My Daughters Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Don't Give Up

So in the past 18 days I have learned a lot about myself and about life. I don't claim to have it any worse than any other person in this world but times have been tough. I had to understand death at such an early age when I lost my brother and it seems since then it's been a regular thing. I have lost everyone remotely close to me. My dad's death last year just about killed me. The pain it causes your heart is unreal. I have grieved daily since. When I got the phone call about my mom I was right back at feeling hopeless. I felt like just falling apart...just giving up. I just couldn't though. I am all my mom has and I was and still am gonna make sure she is taken care of. She is gonna know I love her. I have sit in this hospital day after day......just counting the hours. I have realized how truly strong I am although I feel so weak. I may lose everything I own but in the end I will have my mom and that is all that matters. God has been good to me and my family. I can never give him enough praise for the miracle he has given to us. Count your blessings everyday. Love those that mean something to you because you never know when God is gonna call them home.

Beautiful

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. ~Erich Fromm

You Can't Hide

Life's not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow. ~Terri Guillemets

The car

A pic of the wreckage! Mom is so lucky to be here!

Life Is A Mess

On July 10th my life changed completely. I remember the phone ringing at 1:37 pm. It was Rita Tabor from the Medical Center. I could hear the nervousness in her voice. She asked if I had anyone with me. She told me my mom had been in a car accident and was in critical condition. I needed to get there as quick as I could. I remember my heart pounding and my breath leaving me. When I got there they ushered my back to the room where she was. She didn't even look like herself. They were squeezing bags of blood into her as quickly as they could. The doctor told us that she probably wouldn't even survive the helicopter ride to Vandy but they were gonna give it a try. I told her I loved her and as I left her side I felt my world fall completely apart. I watched as the helicopter lifted off the ground and took off with my mom fighting for her life. When I got to Vandy they told me they had already removed her spleen and were trying to get her internal bleeding stopped. We learned she had 20 broken ribs, a broken pelvis, broken left tibia, broken scapula and arm, both lungs punctured, and three breaks in her spine. They told us she wouldn't make it through the night. I didn't believe them....I knew they weren't the decider of when her life was over. The next morning they had already given her 60 units of blood. She was still fighting.....I still had hope. I talked to her every chance I got and I prayed that God give her strength and the will to live. More surgery...actually about several more. They had to open her stomach back up that day and remove a portion of her colon due to a perforation. She also had a trach placed. Days went by and she continued to get stronger. The internal bleeding finally stopped and they felt she was strong enough to endure hip surgery. They place a rod and plate in her right pelvis and thigh. She came through with flying colors. In the next few days she began to be more alert and even attempted to talk. We found out she had a small brain bleed but nothing major. Days went by so slowly....no sleep and nothing but worries. But, I know God has been carrying me and her both. Today is July 25th and it's day 16 in the hospital. She had to have two more units of blood last night due to her blood pressure dropping. She has pneumonia and mold in her lungs so we are fighting that. However, she is very alert and trying her best to talk to us. She is making her nurses smile. The doctors here are amazed at how strong she is. We plan on surgery in the morning to fix her left tibia. Hopefully with God's grace we will get to move to a rehab hospital later in the week. That way I can stay in the room with her. This has woken me up.....shaken up my world. I always loved my mom but I took for granted that she would always be there. I didn't spend the time I needed to with her. I put work first and that is wrong. I no longer have a job because my boss is a very greedy and unfeeling person. But, I am where I need to be and I am gonna make sure my mom comes home with me. She is my heart and soul. I thank God everyday for sparing her life and giving me a second chance to be the daughter I need to be!!! I will post each day about her recovery!!

My Parents

Seeing this photo made me think of my mom and dad. They were together since being teenagers. I think this year would have been their 50th anniversary. My dad passed on last yr. after several heart attacks and poor health. I watched my mom sit by his side and take care of him for so many years. They were two peas in a pod. I may never experience that "true love" but just having witnessed it through them makes me smile every day. I miss my daddy everyday and I know it kills my mom's soul to have to make this journey by herself now. Life is just so sad sometimes.

Strong

I just had to take a few minutes to thank God for the miracles he gives me. My mom has been very sick for awhile. She was admitted to the hospital last week. They ran test after test on her. They told us she has fluid and swelling on her brain. That had been causing her mental change and forgetfullness. She had not been herself in months. He told mom it didn't look good. Well she just called me and said the doctor had come in with tears in his eyes and told her he didn't understand how it had happened so quickly but her brain was back to normal and all the fluid was gone. She is now at home...weak but recovering. I am so thankful for the blessings God gives us.

Its Okay

It’s okay. It’s okay to want someone you can’t have. It’s okay to want something more. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt, and it’s okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. Believe it or not, it’s always going to be okay. That’s just how it works. Sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually, everything is going to iron out some way or another. You just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on.

My Bug

Jaylee Madison makes me smile when I wanna frown, laugh when I wanna cry, stand up and walk when I'm ready to crawl, keep going when I wanna give up. She filled an empty spot in my soul. Although her dad and I are no longer together I will never regret meeting him because she is the greatest gift he could have ever given to me. She is my anchor....my rock!!