Falling Apart

I am sitting here looking out over Nashville wishing I was sitting on my front porch looking at the beauty of nature. I don't even know how to explain the feelings I'm having inside anymore. We have been down here over a month now and I'm am truly starting to fall apart. We had two wonderful days with no fever. Mom felt really good and seemed in good spirits. The past two days have been horrible. She has started running a fever again, has a rash, complaining of lots of pain, and not sleeping any at night. I had to remind her that daddy passed away last year and she has cried over and over. She kept saying how can he be gone....he has been here with me every night. I'm thinking....is she really seeing him or is it a figment of her imagination? Maybe he is here watching over us. I just close my eyes and I imagine myself sitting on the front porch with him. Just me and him sitting there talking. My heart is breaking. I miss him so much and I wish he could be here to help me through this. I feel so alone....so empty. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I miss my kids so much......I would give anything to be wrapped up in one of Jaylee bugs hugs right now. I keep telling myself something good will come out of this.....it just has to. I have made so many mistakes in my life but I know those mistakes have made me into the woman I am now. People may not like me and they may talk about me but you know I have came a long way. I know I have a good heart and I am a good mother. I am doing what I need to be doing and if that means losing my job, my home, my friends...whatever it is....I will still have the peace in my heart that when my mom needed me I was there for her. I also know the last words my dad said to me...."Take care of your mom" and I will do everything I have to do to honor his wish. I love you daddy and I miss you more than you will ever know..but right now I need you to ask God if he can send me a little strength and peace.