Happy Birthday Becca

Today is my 37th birthday. Wow, how time starts to fly the older you get. In the words of Andy Rooney.....Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get, the quicker it goes!!!!" So very true. I have decided to try to enjoy the last half of my life than I have the first half. I'm not saying it has been horrible but I've had a lot of hurt and lost a lot of people in my life. Seems every time things started looking up I would experience a loss or a tragedy. It's all in your outlook and perspective. It's not just sitting around and giving up but saying "What can I make good out of this situation?" Since my mom's wreck I have really learned to appreciate the small things in life. I notice things I didn't before. I just enjoy walking outside and smelling the fresh air or noticing a flower that has managed to grow up through a crack in the concrete. God has given us so many beautiful things and so often we walk right by them and never even notice that they are there. As I sit here watching physical therapy helping my mom to learn to stand up on her on again I am reminded of how precious each second of life is. She is 66 and having to learn everything all over. Today I was given the greatest give ever.....I was given another day with my precious mother.

My Mom

This is my mom and Jaylee taken on Saturday. God has been so good to us and I am thankful he left her here with us. Today mom spoke for the first time in almost two months. They got her a speaking valve and put it on today. She was so excited and talked all day long. It was so awesome to get to sit and talk to her. Her memory is still a bit confused but they say that will go with time. I was so afraid I wouldn't ever get to sit down and talk to her again. Now, I'm just hoping we get to go home soon.

Had A Blast

This has been the best weekend I have had since July 10th...the day of mom's horrible car accident. I got to spend the entire weekend with my baby girl. We had a blast. We went to wal mart and picked her out a new toy because she has been so brave through all of this. Yesterday we spent some time with mom, went shopping at TJ Max, went to eat, and then went to see Toy Story 3. Just having her with me seemed to make me whole again. I miss being at home and being a mom. I know it's gonna be a long hard road ahead of us trying to get mom back on her feet. I just gotta keep my head up and be strong. I have to keep a positive attitude although at sometimes I feel like I'm gonna explode. Well, guess it's time to get back to reality. I got to get back to the hospital and take care of mom.

Smile Girl...It's gettin Better!

So today I got a very big surprise...guess an early birthday present. The nursing supervisor came in to discuss some issues I have been having with mom's care. You know there are always gonna be a few people working in a job that they really don't need to be doing. Anyway, she told me I deserved a break and that they were gonna get mom a private sitter for the weekend so I could get some sleep and spend time with my kids. I think I cried for an hour, lol. So, I made my way back to good old Ky and picked up my Jaylee bug. We went home and spent some time with Sarah and Jacob....and I threatened home arrest unless they get my house cleaned up before we get home. I took Jay to walmart and let her pick out a toy because she has been such a brave girl for the past month. Now we are at the motel being cuddle bugs and just loving being together. Tomorrow we are gonna catch a movie and visit with mom for a little while. Today has been the break that I have been waiting for. My heart was aching to see my kids. I have missed them so much. Just when I think I'm ready to jump off the cliff God whispers I love you and he blesses me. Don't judge the pics, lol.....that is me on 7wks of no sleep!!! I can't wait to get home and sleep a full 8 hours. Well, I'm gettin off of here to snuggle with my baby girl. Peace and Love to everyone!!

This Too Shall Pass

This too Shall Pass (Latin: Hoc Etiam Transibit)
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

By Helen Steiner Rice

Falling To My Knees

I feel like I'm falling apart...at the end of my rope. I'm hanging by a thread and ready to just let go. I have tried so hard to stay strong through this. I have smiled when all I wanted to do was cry. When I did cry I locked myself in the bathroom so no one would see. All I hear is "you gotta be strong". Well, for once in my life I am tired of being strong. I don't want to HAVE to be strong my entire life. Why can't it just be simple. Why is it that when it rains it pours?? I have been here a month and a half. I am tired and no one seems to really give a flip. I have sat here night and day and I'm totally exhausted. I feel like I have lost what sanity I had left. I completely exploded on the staff here yesterday. Honestly I had every right. I mean they are getting paid to take care of my mom but who is having to do it all???? Well the answer would be me. Now she is to the point that she won't eat anything and they can't keep her off of the vent. It's like she is giving up and therefore I am getting ticked off and more upset because I have given up my life to help her and now she won't help herself. What am I supposed to do? Just keep smiling and pretending I am super girl? I"M NOT! And, as if I don't have enough to deal with here I have people giving me crap back home. I am so frustrated and ready to run away. I am sorry I sound so crappy today but hey....we can't control our emotions sometimes. I just need a little prayer and help!

My wonderful son

I just had to post this~I love this pic. It's my wonderful son Christopher and his beautiful girlfriend Amanda. This was for prom back in June. They are one of the sweetest couples I have ever seen. I haven't talked a lot about my kids since all of this has been going on with mom. Seems I can't clear my mind of anything long enough to focus. So for a minute I just wanna let the world know what a great son I have. I watched him grow from a sweet, cute, and innocent baby into this intelligent, charming, caring young man. He has been through a lot in his life especially with his so called father. He has made the best of every obstacle thrown in his path. I must say raising him taught me more about life than I could ever teach him. He has such a huge heart and would help out anyone in need. He is always there by my side to keep me standing tall. I am so proud of who he is becoming. I hope someday he knows just how much he changed my life!
Photo by Heather Qualls

A Well Deserved Break

I haven't written in a few days and I can tell! All the frustration I have had over the last few days has eaten away at me. This is my way of venting and expressing my feelings. Well, I have learned that honestly I think I am at the point of losing any sanity that I had. I am so tired of people causing me drama and stress when I am already at the end of my rope....seems they want me to go ahead and hang myself. I have always struggled with the "hatred" that I have for my son's father and his no good wife. Honestly if he had chose to be a decent dad I wouldn't have had a problem with him. He has three other kids now and for some reason his first born he has no use for. He won't help me with Jacob and now I've learned they canceled Jake's insurance. Now my son can't even go to the doctor or get his meds. The excuse dear Rachel gave my son was that he wasn't her biological child. Well all I have to say is someday all that they have put my son through will bite them in their butts. I feel so alone sometimes especially sitting down here at night by myself. I know people have their lives to live and can't stop to come sit with me. I just have so much on my mind....my Jaylee is sick and has been for a week, my bills are piling up, I'm losing everything, I can't even be a mom to my kids right now....It's okay though...I know it will get better. I tell myself that every time I start to get down. I have to have a daily cry to release everything. Now, the good side of it all. After a month of sitting here in the hospital I finally had a few hours out. A very good friend drove down from Bowling Green. He took me to eat and then we just walked (in the rain) and talked about life. We stood and looked out over the Cumberland River and I just enjoyed the small things. The trees, the flowers, the clouds...they were so much more beautiful. God has given me a very clear look at how beautiful life can be....even in the smallest things. So smile and keep your head up no matter what.

Falling Apart

I am sitting here looking out over Nashville wishing I was sitting on my front porch looking at the beauty of nature. I don't even know how to explain the feelings I'm having inside anymore. We have been down here over a month now and I'm am truly starting to fall apart. We had two wonderful days with no fever. Mom felt really good and seemed in good spirits. The past two days have been horrible. She has started running a fever again, has a rash, complaining of lots of pain, and not sleeping any at night. I had to remind her that daddy passed away last year and she has cried over and over. She kept saying how can he be gone....he has been here with me every night. I'm thinking....is she really seeing him or is it a figment of her imagination? Maybe he is here watching over us. I just close my eyes and I imagine myself sitting on the front porch with him. Just me and him sitting there talking. My heart is breaking. I miss him so much and I wish he could be here to help me through this. I feel so alone....so empty. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I miss my kids so much......I would give anything to be wrapped up in one of Jaylee bugs hugs right now. I keep telling myself something good will come out of this.....it just has to. I have made so many mistakes in my life but I know those mistakes have made me into the woman I am now. People may not like me and they may talk about me but you know I have came a long way. I know I have a good heart and I am a good mother. I am doing what I need to be doing and if that means losing my job, my home, my friends...whatever it is....I will still have the peace in my heart that when my mom needed me I was there for her. I also know the last words my dad said to me...."Take care of your mom" and I will do everything I have to do to honor his wish. I love you daddy and I miss you more than you will ever know..but right now I need you to ask God if he can send me a little strength and peace.

The Hardest Part

Sundays are the hardest for me! I get to spend Saturday and Sunday with Jaylee bug and on Sunday evening she has to go back home. My heart literally breaks in two. She makes me smile so much. I am not complete without her. It's been a great weekend. Mom has really done well. I think Jaylee makes her better. She hasn't ran a fever today and she was off of the vent for an hour. That is just wonderful. I know things are hard now but I know in the end it will all be worth it. Just to get back to Kentucky and have my family back together....that is what I'm waiting for. I just wanna thank God for showing me unconditional love. He has shown me that miracles still do happen and that there is always hope for a better tomorrow. I know although I may feel alone that I never am. He is here with me holding me in his arms.

Useless "Fathers"

Yesterday my son called me to inform me of the conversation he had with his "wicked" step mother. Okay, his father never claimed Jacob until he was 6yrs old and that was only because he was ordered to carry insurance on him and demanded a paternity test. HaHa in your face.....I knew I had never cheated on him....he just decided he wanted a 14 year old girlfriend (his now wife). When Jacob turned 12 he came home from his dads and told me he never wanted to go back. He cried for two days....I didn't push the issue. I told him he was old enough to make his own decisions. They never seemed to care and we didn't hear from them too often. The only time was a few visits on Christmas....they even stopped. Jacob would call them every now and then and ask if he could get a little money for this or that. Most of the time all he heard was NO. Well yesterday he needed 15 dollars for a pass at school...15 lousy dollars. Now keep in mind my mom is in critical condition in another state and I'm trying to take care of her. Rachel...aka....wicked step mom tells my son she isn't giving him the money and that I need to get home and take care of him myself. Oh my!! I was so angry that I think fire shot out of my ears. Those two go to church on Sunday and play the perfect christians but throughout this whole time they have yet to even check and see if Jacob needed a place to stay or needed anything for school. Thanks to family and friends he got the clothes and supplies he needed for school. His worthless father has paid the same amount of child support since he was 6. He works for money "under the table" and child support is unable to prove how much he makes. I have had such a hatred for them since he left me for her.....but the hatred grew after he denied his own child. Okay, all I can say is I am praying that I find forgiveness for them and I can move past the hurt that they caused me and my son. I know the bible says you reap what you sow and I firmly believe that they will pay for the way they have treated Jacob....and you know what I really am blessed cause I have such a wonderful son in my life who loves his mom and has a huge heart.

Just When You Need It

Today has been a good day with mom....we really "bonded" today. She has been more alert and really wanting to talk. She realized her wedding band was missing and that upset her. She tried to remember if she was wearing it during the wreck but everything is so foggy she doesn't remember. I hung some pictures of the kids and my daddy on her wall to try and give her more "reason" or "determination" to fight. I was sitting in the chair watching her and every few minutes she would look over at daddy's picture. I asked her if she wanted me to take it down....and she said no....I just miss him. I really couldn't help but get a little down. Of course I'm a baby and I cry over everything...but I miss my daddy so much and I could see in her eyes how much she misses him. I sat here thinking once again why?? Why does sad things happen. Why am I sitting here alone with no one to talk to? Why do I feel so empty? Am I really gonna be able to get through all of this. I got online to get my mind off of it all and signed into face book. I had an email and it couldn't have came at a better time. I wanna share the email with you. It just goes to show that God does know all and he doesn't want us to feel alone. He sends us the help we need just in time!!

Hi, I'm Sarah Beth. I don't know how we became friends on facebook. I think that it may have been 4-H camp. However, I have been carefully following your story.

I just want you to know how brave you are in my eyes. I know that I couldn't be as strong as you. Although this may sound very hard to hear, God is doing this in your life for a reason. He is letting you be a good example to others. I feel that in the end, you will be rewarded for your diligence and hard work. Your faith is such an inspiration! I have been praying for you and your family throughout this whole time. I didn't want to say it because, I figured that you didn't know me. Just know that even people that you may not know care about what is happening to you. Keep letting Jesus shine!

Keep the faith,
Sarah Beth

You Gotta Believe

Today is a new day...a new beginning. The past few days were rough down here with mom. I was truly ready to toss in the towel. She just didn't seem to be going forward...only backward. I was depressed and troubled thinking why has God brought us this far just to drop us off. One of my friends texted me while I was crying my eyes out and he told me......."when I was little my daddy always said it's the darkest right before the sun comes up"! All I could do was cry harder..but it was a happy cry because in that moment I felt peace. I knew that God had not left us...we just have a few bumps in the road that we have to get over. My faith had been shaken but not broken. Today she is already up in her chair sipping on Coke, lol. We are going to attempt to take her off her vent today....that's a big step. I know if we fail today that we can try again tomorrow. We just have to believe in God and know that he has plans for us that we alone cannot carry out. We must hold on to him and trust him to guide us to the place we need to be. I have my happy days and my bad days....I've lost my job....and I can't see my kids very much right now but I believe God is gonna give us something totally awesome out of this terrible tragedy!

My bug

Yep, she is my lil mini me! She owns my heart!! God couldn't have ever given me a more precious gift.

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

Dear God

Okay, so these cream colored walls are closing in around me. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. I feel my chest pounding and I just can't hold back the tears. I cried so hard yesterday I could have filled the ocean. I can't stand to see my mom in this shape. I hate seeing her frail body being rolled this way and turned that way. The pain she is in from all the broken bones....her stomach cut from top to bottom. She gets so discouraged and that makes it worse. She forgets every time she goes to sleep what happened. It's like the movie 50 First Dates....we re live it everyday. Losing my dad last year was one of the worst things to ever happen to me but this is just as bad. I want her to get up out of that bed and go home. I need some support....maybe a hug or two. I need a shoulder to cry on. I just need to wake up and all this be over

Do I Quit?

Do you ever just get to the point of saying that's it...I quit? Well I am to that point. I have never felt as lonely in my entire life. I have been staying in the hospital with my mom for a month now and it is starting to take its toll on me. I have been strong and kept going but I miss my kids so much it hurts and the bills are piling up around me....just seems no one cares. I sit here in the dark alone watching my mom lay there helpless. I keep thinking...if my brother was here or if my dad was here it would be different. I would at least have a way of spending a little time with Jaylee. She started school and for the first time in 5 yrs. I didn't get to take her on the first day. I don't get to snuggle with her at night. I miss her laugh. I miss sitting on the couch and watching disney channel all night. I am so depressed....so tired. I cry all of the time...but only when people can't see me. I love my mom and I want her better...just wanna get her home and be with my kids. At this point life is just not very good.

hope

Hope is a higher heart frequency, and as you begin to re-connect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. Listening to the still small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.

reality

When the heart is enlivened again, it feels like the sun coming out after a week of rainy days. There is hope in the heart that chases the clouds away. Hope is a higher heart frequency and as you begin to reconnect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. It becomes a matter of how soon you want the sun to shine. Listening to the still, small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.