Well, here I lay in this big bed with my little Hallie beside me kicking away and oohing and awwing at everything she sees. I can't get out of bed because I am still a little sore and my shoulder is killing me. I had surgery yesterday morning and I am a wimp. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago to remove placenta and blood clots that remained after birth. That was an experience. Yesterday I had a tubal ligation so that no more babies arrive. I must say Kyle and I decided this was the best decision for us since we already have five children between us. The financial aspect is what determined our decision. I have to say that today I am a little sad. I know we do not need anymore kids and it was the best decision but the reality that I cannot have them saddens me a bit. Now I know that I am gonna spoil miss Hallie to pieces. She is my last baby and I am going to enjoy every single minute with her. This decision has also led to our deciding that I am not going back to work for at least her first two years of life. Hopefully, if I do go back then I will have a job that she can go with me. I am currently studying psychology and hope to get a job in social services or in the mental health field. I won't graduate until June 2013 so this should work out pretty good. It is really quiet here today. Just me and Hallie bear hanging out...sleeping and being completely lazy. Sarah is at a friends and Jake and Jay are at school. Kyle is at work and I miss him bunches. Life has really been throwing me curve balls for the past few years and I am just starting to realize I have to roll with the punches. With all that happened wit my mom life just seems quite unfair. I pretty much lost everything to take care of her in hopes that she would return to normal. After a year of caring for her she now lives in a nursing home and everything I did was really for nothing. She did get almost 90% better physically but mentally she just didn't improve. Her sister decided that with my having a baby and not being able to focus on her anymore she would be better off where they could give her 24 hour care. My mom and her confused state believes I had her put there and that I am the reason for everything bad that has happened to her. I haven't seen or spoke to her since she was admitted. It breaks my heart. My daughter Sarah is giving me fits. She is my bipolar child. That should explain it all but let me say I never imagined things would get this bad between us. I have raised her for almost 20 years. I have fought her battles for her. Raised caine at school for her education. I have been there for her heartbreaks and breakdowns. The older she has gotten the more determined she has gotten to drive me insane. She has runaway a few times in the past year and thinks she is capable of taking care of herself....when she can't even manage money. I saved her from a 20year sentence for fraud and I get no thanks. She is gone again today and I am sure I will have to get the cops to get her back home. My son is living with my aunt for the school year so he can graduate from Allen county...where he has been his entire life. I had to move us to another county when I finally found a big enough house to move mom in with us. It breaks my heart that I never get to see him. When he isn't at school he is working so it leaves no time for mom. My nine year old has all of a sudden acquired this nasty attitude. She has always been my baby and spoiled rotten but now I see her pulling away and I too am backing up a little. We were so close but for some reason she is acting like..well...a brat. She back talks and has negative reactions to everything I ask her to do. I am about at my wits end! I don't know what to do to pull this home back together and get some form of sanity. I know winter is at the door and I know the depression will be back which will just add to the drama that is our household. I hate having SAD which is as real as real gets. Kyle says he is buying me one of those fake lights to help with my vitamin D this year....doubt it works. Seems that I miss my daddy so much this time of year and no light or medicine seems to cure that. I just know if he were still around things would be much better. I know I have to be strong...stronger than all of this craziness going on around me. I have kids who are looking up to me and a husband who deserves a happy wife. If it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't have made it through this last year anyway. I guess I have said enough for one day....I am gonna get off of here and probably go back to sleep for a bit. It is a great day for that here. Rainy and gloomy.
No comments:
Post a Comment