Goodbye 2013 Hello 2014

Well, this is an OLD blog that I started forever ago and for some reason just dropped it. I started The Madness Of Mommyhood and it kind of took over my world. I realized when I wrote on that one and on my facebook page, that although I have tons of information to share on the days spent being a mom, I am more than just a MOM. I am a woman full of ideas to share with the world. I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, a nurse, a student.....the list goes on. The main thing is I am an imperfect person. I have made mistakes over my lifetime that could be made into a reality show. I have learned the hard way that life just does not play by the rules we think they should. I learned that people are greedy and will take the last penny you have without a second thought. I learned that people are cruel and they will chastise you for being who you are because it is not aligned with their beliefs. I have learned that you can give of yourself and not receive anything back. You can love with all your heart and that love will not save the person from leaving. I learned so many negative things but I learned a lot of good things about this world we live in. You can't give up hope on humanity because there are awesome people out there who do have kindness in their hearts. No, one person can't change the world alone but if that one person doesn't try to make a change then who will? I have had a lot of heartache over the past year, actually over the past several years. After my dad passed away in 2009 it seems that everything that followed was just another nail in my coffin, so to speak. I sank into a depression that destroyed my happiness. I didn't find the good in anything. I was pretty numb to everything around me. Negativity consumed me. I became someone I did not like nor did not want to be. I started The Madness on a whim. I have to say that was one of the best whims I have ever had. That silly page became my sanity. That page led me to meet people who have touched my life and made me view life in a different view. I have met parents of children with disabilities, parents of children who have been abused, women who have been battered and raped, people who had nothing material wise but were richer than I could ever imagine being, people who have struggled with depression, suicide attempts, sickness, loss, and on and on. I have seen myself in these people. I see their hearts and how good they are inside. I met people from the LGBT community and I fell in love with their spirit and their determination to show the world they DESERVE to be with whoever it is they love. I have met Christians, Atheists, Buddhists, Agnostics, Jews, Muslims....you get the idea. These people are just that PEOPLE. They are human just like I am and they all have a right to be who they are. They all have good hearts and they love the same way I do. Yes, I have had an eye opener this year. I have realized that I want to change the world. Huge goal, huh? Well, I may not ever accomplish that goal but on my journey I will be able to help those along the wayside. I am not anyone special but for some reason I was allowed to have my soul opened to what life is really about. I was involved in a car accident on November 23rd which I should not have survived. I will not go into details but I will say this much when you are faced with death your life does flash before your eyes. On that day I realized that I have wasted so many years on my own being. I wasn't concerned with the happiness of others so much. I didn't allow myself to be free. I nearly lost my life that day but I was also born that day. I consider it my birthday. In 2014 I am going to give of myself and I am going to find out what I am made of. Self-discovery can be so freeing. If I could sit here today and pick the one person that I want to mirror myself after it would be the Dalai Lama. That man is the epitome of peace and happiness, of forgiveness and love, of kindness and tolerance. That is what I want to be...in a nutshell. There is no space in my heart or mind for negativity, hate, or judgment. Take what you will from this post, but please more than anything, take away the idea that there is good in all and in every day that we face. It is up to YOU to find that good. I ask that you take my hand and you accompany me on this journey. I think that even baby steps can lead to the end of a great marathon. A special thanks to my family (hubs, mom, and kids) for loving me and allowing me to be sad when I needed to be sad and to cry when I needed to cry. Brian thank you for coming into my life and becoming the best friend that I have ever had. Thank you for encouraging me on my down days and for pushing me to write. Thank you for being who you are and not being afraid to love and give so openly! To all my new friends who I talk to each day and share the most intimate parts of my life with, I love you ladies! You are all so very amazing in your own ways. Thank you for being my friends!!! Now! 2014 here WE come. We are armed and ready to take whatever you throw at us. This is going to be the year I shine. Bex

Jaylee's Bday

Today was my Jaylee bug's 10th birthday....as she has been running around screaming "double digits...oh yeah". This girl of mine is a hoot. She makes me laugh even on my darkest days. I love her so much. I remember the moment they placed her in my arms. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. She was such a good baby but a very sick baby. I can't count her hospital visits or the nights we were up with her. She had her first urinary tract infection at three weeks old and from then it was just sickness after sickness. I believe the sickest I have seen her is the time she had strep throat and mono at the same time. Shew, the feelings we as mothers have when our babies are sick. To this day poor thing is still sick at least once a month. As a matter of fact we were just at the doctor this week. Anyway, she is ten now and that blows my mind. She decided she wanted to have a slumber party and go bowling. Wow, this has been an adventure. Little girls running up and down the stairs all night long yelling and laughing. I was a bit on edge but at the same time it made me think back to when I was that age. I am loving to see her turn into this beautiful, intelligent, and caring young lady. She has such a huge heart and honestly cares for others. She has hit the age where she worries about what she looks like. She loves makeup and fixing her hair. She is such a little beauty queen not to mention "drama" queen. She is also an artist at heart. I wish I could post some of the artwork she has done. She can draw anything she wants. It amazes me. I can't even draw a stick man. Yep, she is a well rounded little girl. She has it all going for her if she will just stick to her guns and keep her head on straight. If I have anything to do with it she will. I will push her to reach for the stars and chase her dreams. Jaylee Madison I love you with all of my heart.

Sadness

Today has been one of the worst days I have had in awhile. I knew when I rolled out of bed it wasn't going to be a good day. Just seems things started off wrong and then it snowballed out of control. I had planned to go shopping today for Jay's 10th birthday which is in a couple of weeks. I couldn't even get out the door for poor Hallie puking on her self and her clothes. She was so fussy and cried literally all day long. On the way to Bowling Green I was kinda in a hurry to get to my appointment at the car dealership. I didn't even realize how fast I was going until I saw the blue lights in the mirror....yay me! Now I gotta choke up 175 freakin dollars for a speeding ticket. At the dealership I learn that the hub cap that flew off of my tire couldn't be put back on due to some stupid reason the guy came up with. He told me I would have to order a new one which is almost 100 dollars....even though they just POP ON! Oh, so mine for some odd reason won't pop back on?? Yeah right. Nice way to go Mr. dealership guy....take me for some money. Hallie is still crying...bottle....diaper change.....kisses.....still crying. My 19 year old bi polar child decides to have a melt down over the fact that I am not rich enough to go out and buy her a car for her birthday which is in three weeks as well. I am a worthless mom who won't let her live her own life....although she can't even get a job to buy her own car. I continue my hunt for a vanity for Jay....which turns up empty. Evidently no one makes these cute little things anymore. I can't find the rainboots she wants either....after scowering at least 20 stores. I realize at last minute that I am not going to make it home in time to get Jaylee off the bus so I freak out and call the school. I have to make arrangements for them to keep her until I can get back to pick her up. Hallie...still crying. The smell in the van....horrible. Pull over on interstate....poop everywhere. Hal has managed to explode through her clothes and onto the car seat. Wow... Now back to get Jay and then Wal mart for groceries. Big mistake. My two daughters 9 and 19 decide to have a major battle in the parking lot. There is screaming, crying, fingers pointing....and a crowd is gathering. I have other moms looking at me like I have just won terrible mom of the year award. I am now waiting on child protective services to sweep in and take them away. Hallie....still screaming. Middle of walmart Jaylee yelps "Hallie just projectile vomited all over her self and me!!!! Great now we need to change clothes...again. My feet are hurting and my back is having multiple spasms. Sarah decides to have another meltdown because according to her I baby Jaylee all of the time. She takes off on her own making faces at me as she walks away. Can I please just go home? At home no one wants to help get the groceries out of the van, the baby is still crying, and I am having a breakdown. Sarah is telling me how much she hates me, Jaylee is crying cause she has homework she does not understand, and I realize the dog has been in her crate all day and is sitting in a puddle of urine. Okay, so I give up. Forget the dishes in the sink, the bottles that need to be sterilized, the laundry that is climbing the walls, the two discussions I need to post for school, the dog that reaks of urine, the screaming kids.....I am going to hibernate. I go to my room, shut the door, fall on the bed, and I cry. I cry like a baby because I miss my daddy, I miss my mom, I feel defeated, I am a horrible mother, I have no one to call....and the baby has pooped again. Calgon please take me away!!

This is me

I happened to find this on "we heart it" which I absolutely love! This is a room I need in my home. It is me....and it makes me happy just to look at it! Notice the Walton's playing on the tv! Boy does that bring back memories.

A tad bit of sadness

Well, here I lay in this big bed with my little Hallie beside me kicking away and oohing and awwing at everything she sees. I can't get out of bed because I am still a little sore and my shoulder is killing me. I had surgery yesterday morning and I am a wimp. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago to remove placenta and blood clots that remained after birth. That was an experience. Yesterday I had a tubal ligation so that no more babies arrive. I must say Kyle and I decided this was the best decision for us since we already have five children between us. The financial aspect is what determined our decision. I have to say that today I am a little sad. I know we do not need anymore kids and it was the best decision but the reality that I cannot have them saddens me a bit. Now I know that I am gonna spoil miss Hallie to pieces. She is my last baby and I am going to enjoy every single minute with her. This decision has also led to our deciding that I am not going back to work for at least her first two years of life. Hopefully, if I do go back then I will have a job that she can go with me. I am currently studying psychology and hope to get a job in social services or in the mental health field. I won't graduate until June 2013 so this should work out pretty good. It is really quiet here today. Just me and Hallie bear hanging out...sleeping and being completely lazy. Sarah is at a friends and Jake and Jay are at school. Kyle is at work and I miss him bunches. Life has really been throwing me curve balls for the past few years and I am just starting to realize I have to roll with the punches. With all that happened wit my mom life just seems quite unfair. I pretty much lost everything to take care of her in hopes that she would return to normal. After a year of caring for her she now lives in a nursing home and everything I did was really for nothing. She did get almost 90% better physically but mentally she just didn't improve. Her sister decided that with my having a baby and not being able to focus on her anymore she would be better off where they could give her 24 hour care. My mom and her confused state believes I had her put there and that I am the reason for everything bad that has happened to her. I haven't seen or spoke to her since she was admitted. It breaks my heart. My daughter Sarah is giving me fits. She is my bipolar child. That should explain it all but let me say I never imagined things would get this bad between us. I have raised her for almost 20 years. I have fought her battles for her. Raised caine at school for her education. I have been there for her heartbreaks and breakdowns. The older she has gotten the more determined she has gotten to drive me insane. She has runaway a few times in the past year and thinks she is capable of taking care of herself....when she can't even manage money. I saved her from a 20year sentence for fraud and I get no thanks. She is gone again today and I am sure I will have to get the cops to get her back home. My son is living with my aunt for the school year so he can graduate from Allen county...where he has been his entire life. I had to move us to another county when I finally found a big enough house to move mom in with us. It breaks my heart that I never get to see him. When he isn't at school he is working so it leaves no time for mom. My nine year old has all of a sudden acquired this nasty attitude. She has always been my baby and spoiled rotten but now I see her pulling away and I too am backing up a little. We were so close but for some reason she is acting like..well...a brat. She back talks and has negative reactions to everything I ask her to do. I am about at my wits end! I don't know what to do to pull this home back together and get some form of sanity. I know winter is at the door and I know the depression will be back which will just add to the drama that is our household. I hate having SAD which is as real as real gets. Kyle says he is buying me one of those fake lights to help with my vitamin D this year....doubt it works. Seems that I miss my daddy so much this time of year and no light or medicine seems to cure that. I just know if he were still around things would be much better. I know I have to be strong...stronger than all of this craziness going on around me. I have kids who are looking up to me and a husband who deserves a happy wife. If it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't have made it through this last year anyway. I guess I have said enough for one day....I am gonna get off of here and probably go back to sleep for a bit. It is a great day for that here. Rainy and gloomy.

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde

This has got to be one of the most honest statements ever. I know for me it is. I have told myself so many times to quit existing and start LIVING! Why do we as humans do this? I feel I have always let my mistakes drag me down. Those I made even when I was young still torture me. It seems I can't live for the mistakes in my past. I want to get past all of this. I want to be able to live out loud. Kyle and I had a long talk this weekend about this very issue. He makes so much sense to me. He tries his best to pull me up out of the funk I seem to get in so often. I know life is short and I know I need to just let go of the small things....and even not so small things. I need to start enjoying the small things. So from now on everyday I am going to find something that makes me appreciate life a little more. I'm gonna make sure to hug my kids and let them know how much they mean to me. I'm gonna make sure Kyle knows how much he is appreciated. This is my goal.